The Scoop with Tanya Flanagan

Unknown Speaker 0:00
You're listening to locally produced programming created in KU NV studios on public radio K, u and v 91.5. The content of this program does not reflect the views or opinions of 91.5 Jazz and more the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, or the Board of Regents of the Nevada System of Higher Education.

Unknown Speaker 0:26
Good morning, and thank you for joining me for the scoop with Tanya Flanagan. I'm so happy you decided to wake up and start your day with me. Here on the scoop, where we talk about life, joy, funny moments, trending topics, and so much more. We promise to keep you in the know and find out what you know. So let's get started.

Unknown Speaker 0:53
Good morning, and welcome to this final Sunday morning in October. Thank you once again for waking up to join me Tanya Flanagan here on the scoop on K u and v Public Radio 91.5. As we all know, the month of October is two very important to very focused on two very important issues, one being breast cancer, but the other being domestic violence. And I spent the majority of the month talking about breast cancer as a breast cancer survivor. But I want it to make sure proper time and respect was given to the other domestic violence because so many women and families and people are overcomers and survivors of domestic violence. And at the same time we've lost many loved ones to unfortunate tragedies that should have been could have maybe should have been prevented, but we're not. And so this morning, we're talking about domestic violence. It's Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And I have two guests with me to talk with you. And I hope that we leave you with something that is insightful. I am am delighted and privileged to welcome Dr. Barry O house of mountaintop Faith Ministries, but also of Chr. And so caring, helping restoring ministries, her nonprofit that focuses on domestic violence and helping disadvantaged families. Dr. House Good morning.

Unknown Speaker 2:16
Good morning. And thank you for having me. And I'm excited about this program.

Unknown Speaker 2:21
Thank you for being here. I'm excited to share with the audience, the work that you do, the resource that you are in our community. So thank you. We also have joining Dr. House and I, a woman who's a friend, but I'm going to refer to her this morning, just Barbara Shawn, a survivor of domestic violence and she has decided that she has the courage and the desire to be transparent enough to share her story with us for Shawn. Good morning.

Unknown Speaker 2:53
Good morning. Thank you for having me. And I'm happy to be on here with Dr. House, as she is definitely an amazing pay in our community.

Unknown Speaker 3:01
Yes. So without further ado, let's jump into it. Dr. House, we'll start with you. Tell us a little bit about your nonprofit and your story. And what inspired you to do this, do this work in the community?

Unknown Speaker 3:15
Well, CHR Inc, my husband and I co founded it in May of 1996. And we started out being just a like a transitional home for single parent moms or single women who just didn't have a place to stay. So we had a house that we did that with as it has evolved. We help with we've done employment and training. And we have done community events. But we moved into domestic violence, being an advocate for that. And the reason why Tanya is because I'm a childhood survivor. So we always talk about the people who've gone through it. But my dad wasn't really nice to my mom. I'm growing up. I'm the middle child. There's three above me three beneath me. So I witnessed a lot of verbal abuse when he was an alcoholic. So when he got really drunk, and he was home and they might get into confrontations, my mother literally died with a knife slash across her upper thigh. And I can remember when that happened that night, I remember my dad, accidentally pushing my mother down the stairs one time. And just seeing that so went from my mother who decided she was never going to leave my father. That was her the way that it was what she said. I knew what I meant when I married him because I would ask the question, why just right. Yeah. And so my mother said that I knew what I'm married when I'm married and some of and I love key words. She loved him she loved and then she went we went from that to my oldest sister. Getting married to inherit an attic. And I remember becoming an auntie at 10 years old. Okay, that was so exciting, however, but my sister would call me over to her apartment to watch my nephew, while her husband was beating her in the other room. And then he would leave out, and she would come and she would sit by me. tears running down her eyes while I was watching my nephew. And we just never said nothing. Just watch TV. Okay, here's my sister, then my next oldest sister, she mirrors a hearing. I am I witnessing her, him beating the heck out of her in our house. What about? So I'm naked? Right? I thought, What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I got three sisters under me. Somebody has to stop this generational curse. And I went on a campaign that I took on for myself from a child, that that was not going to happen from this point on, we were beautiful women who just made terrible decisions. As a result. With the h&r, I decided to create a monthly platform where we have empowerment workshops, we don't call them domestic violence workshops, just so if a person that's in a situation, she can't tell her perpetrator, or I'm going to a workshop, or I'm tuning into a workshop about domestic violence, because all this might do is get her killed. It's just an empowerment workshop where women come and we chitter chat, but we have a topic every month. But afterwards, if you want help, we can help you you need to talk it out. So I think about my mother, what did my mother had someplace every month, that she could just come to first of all get empowered. But if she wanted to share something, she could share it. And it was confidential. And it was a place where she could say, God, I got that off my chest, you know. And so that's how ch nr, that's our platform that we do. And it's absolutely free. We send people for social services to those organizations that handle that. But I noticed there was nothing in our community where we could just come together and just talk because you know, we got to talk get up,

Unknown Speaker 7:19
you know, people need to talk people need the first line. You see, few people leave me somewhat speechless. But it's powerful, what you share now, what you took as a negative and didn't allow it to trample you, but to empower you to make a difference. Because so many women, I mean, you sometimes don't even realize you're being abused, right? And self esteem and Gina and the second, I want you to share your story so that we have both of them laid out as we talk about the space that we're coming from and with domestic violence and how we deal with it. But we don't realize we're being mistreated or abused as you do if someone's hitting you. But with verbal abuse, which is what you mentioned verse, people don't always realize the psychological trauma of someone saying something to them verbally. And I don't care if they try to say it about themselves, like, Oh, you're never gonna find a better man than me worm. I'm a boss, you know, and, you know, whatever. And it's something about things like that, that may eat away at you, or I'm the only one who cares about you, anybody else is just trying to come at you for what they can get, or they just want to sexually get over on you and people, men will say things to women, right? Some of what they're saying is in their mind, they're building themselves up. But they don't realize it. It also may have a negative effect on the woman where you're tearing her down. Yeah, you're a bit of a narcissist. But if she starts to buy into your story, that you're so fabulous, that she gets hoodwinked and bamboozled into thinking that maybe you're the best thing she's ever come across, and she's lucky to have you when nobody else is gonna want her. And so whatever you do becomes tolerable. And it slowly becomes this place that eats away at you, and it deteriorates your self value. And what you see of yourself, and I think verbal abuse is because I'm in communication, you know, my background is journalism. And so communications is really crucial to me, how people talk to one another, how they treat one another and when they choose to have the conversation, the ability to receive what someone is saying to you and the sensitivity to care about how you're delivering that message. And that's a component of abuse that really disturbs me at many levels of people. And because we think about Elsa, what really caught me was you were a child watching your father, be abusive towards your mom, and we're about I think in the same Ah space. So we were young at the same time growing up in a time when we watched wives. It was It was the era when people just stayed together through thick and thin. It didn't matter what was happening. People hunkered down and stayed even if it wasn't good for them in the mindset of I knew what I married understand him because I love him so much. Rashad, come in and tell us about your story. We want to hear what you've gone through, and then we'll continue to dialogue together.

Unknown Speaker 10:31
Okay. Well, I want to piggyback off the Dr. House because I think this is a good segue for me, because it was a different for me, I saw a loving father growing up, I saw a loving father to my, to my mother to me, to the community, when I say there was no, I never witnessed no abuse, no harm to anyone. And that is why I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready. Not only was I not ready, I have been married a couple of times before this, this last relationship. And in and I didn't have that story. I didn't have that story, you know, of why I was not with my my previous partner so forth already. And, you know, when I was going into this, I want people to understand that I'm titling this, that my I had domestic violence at the hands of the hero at the hands of the hero. And when our came to terms that I had been abused by the man that so many had looked at as their hero, including me, it shocked me to even understand that my abuse, it began long before I actually accepted it. And I was a victim of domestic violence and didn't know it. But I need to understand what I call this person a hero, you, you have to understand he wasn't a typical hero, he, he hadn't received any honors, any rewards, he hadn't done any acts of kindness of fading anybody. So he wasn't that type of hero. He was just really an everyday guy that everybody loved him and respected him. And he and he also had a career that allowed him to be respected as this upstanding person. And the type in this type of career was known as a here, every everybody in this type of career, they were known to be heroes. And he had a heart of gold that I thought he had. But it was just more of an apparent was definitely known as a savior to so many people, not only to me, he was the Savior to my family members to my friends, he was just really, you know, that that type of guide that you go, wow. Way come from? So

Unknown Speaker 12:59
did you find yourself in the space? Where? Because duct has you talked about women needing someone to talk to? So it was fine? Did you find yourself in a space? Where? If you thought you want it too? Did you have anyone to talk to and if you thought you wanted to talk because now all your friends are saying and all your family see him as fine and upstanding you had no one to turn to? So did you find yourself internalizing this? Because how dare you slander this person, this abuser? Because everyone sees him as a good person. So she must be crazy, because I would love to have because the people on the outside looking in will see the circumstance because oftentimes, abuse is hidden. Right? It's your dirty little secret. Yeah. And it's happening at home and you put on makeup, or you put on the turtleneck or you put on a long sleeve, whatever it is that you have to do to hide what is happening until you because you think you're fit, you're gonna figure it out, right? So did you find yourself just feeling trapped? About that you can talk about like, how does that feel? What does that

Unknown Speaker 14:07
that's a great point, Tanya that you're making, which is why I do the empowerment workshops. Because how Where would she go to say, I'm in an abusive relationship without people looking at her sideways? Because how could he if he's this hero? How's he doing this to you? You're What did you do? Okay, to make him like this. And that's not at edit at all. And so we create that space. So Tanya could come Rashad could come and be on our workshops. And when we got to the end and see if anybody wants to discuss something, got something you need to just talk out. We're here because our platform is confidential. I'm very adamant that whatever is said stays stays here. And I'm so adamant. And I'm glad we're doing this on a Sunday. Everybody understands I'm a spiritual woman, that I don't say, I'm coming for you. I say, I'm praying that God comes for you. Yes. Because God come for you. When you abuse someone, she's already been abused. She doesn't need anybody's smartphone her. Never mentioned it. Yeah, if you do God's coming to find you. And so that's what so we need them to become. And so we have women that say stuff. And then based on what they say, we can give them some guidance or direction, you know, prayerfully, but most importantly, she's got a system

Unknown Speaker 15:41
and access to resources for so what I want to hear from you is, what was your turning point? Because you painted the picture of this modern life this this great guy, this is the guy that everybody would want to have, because he does all these things for all these people, family friends, you I mean, what was the turning point?

Unknown Speaker 16:03
The turning point. And I just want to ask this too, because this even schools of marking wrench and everything I'm saying, I am a certified conflict resolution trainer. I'm a certified domestic violence trainer. I'm a certified dating violence trainer, youth interruption violence trainer, I have all of these training I work with, with with ladies. I've worked with young people. Every day, I know the signs. I know it all. And you asked me what the turning point was. When I said to myself this, I'm gonna say this. Every time I've faced and I face various different types of pieces, because we said it. It can be verbal, it can be emotional, it could be financial, it could be so many different abuses. So people always want to think that you got the black guy, he put the makeup on the I got cuts and bruises. And, you know, society shows this picture of this person who've been dragged down the stairs and look horrible. I had none of that. I didn't have no, no. No marks to cover. And my my turning point. came a couple of times, and now I've been in this 15 year. Now think about this, this 15 years of abuse. Am I abuse? What was first? It was he drinks. He? He acts out and he wakes up. He apologizes. I think it's a nightmare. Although it was a nightmare. It didn't happen. And then it progressed, because infidelity became my abuse. Okay, infidelity. I'm sorry, I did it. I will do it again. Oh, I'm sorry. I've got drunk and got that girl's number right in front of you. Oh, I got drunk while we're at Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving dinner, I'm texting a girl telling her that I'm going to come and see her afterwards. That's my emotional. That's my mental abuse. Oh, I don't have any marks and bruises everybody, I'm good. Because I'm gonna stand up to him. And I'm gonna let them know I'm gonna leave you next time. We don't see that as abuse. And I know it's abuse, because I teach it. But I kept covering it up. And the turning point came one night like, I didn't want to fail. This was my third time. I didn't want to say that the SP cause I felt like I ran last time too quick. I didn't work it out. I wanted to make like this was his last time. He will never do it again. Because he knows I'm a good person. We're good together. Not only is I'm a good person, I think I am. And we're good together. I think that he learned his lesson. Because this time he cried. He cried longer. He cried longer. He went to my dad, he went to my friends. All we went to the church. He went to the judge. And he he he prayed. He even said he's going to therapy I'm going to therapy is something wrong with me. I'm never doing it again. And then the night. The night I was awakened at the hands of the man that I love but continues beating me out of my sleep was the night was my turning point. And he beat me out of my sleep. Because he thought that I had information. I had his phone to find out his dirty little secret. And I ran and finally I looked around and also Oh wow. And look like the lady that they show on TV. Now I've been abused all these years. And that night was less than a year ago that I looked at myself and I was in my gown. No shoes, no socks, I had no phone. I had nothing. And I ran for my life. I had nothing. And I, and he chased me. And when he chased me, he took the car, he slammed my car into my car. And he attempted to try to open up the door. And I'm looking at this, you know, at this person's face, because when I was beat out of my sleep, I was being choked. And I started screaming for my dead mother. And I asked God, God, please save me. And I ran and ran. And all I can remember is everything that I taught women, and how I taught people to save. And so because I talked to you, I used to work for the City of Las Vegas as an alternative citizen division. I used to do this. And I go, I stopped playing over all the stuff that I taught how to survive. And I ran, and I drove and I hate, and I hate. And at that time, remember, you guys, I'm still I'm still I'm still not, I'm still in shock. I'm hiding. I'm not going to the police station. I'm hiding. I didn't go to my dad's house, and go to my friend's house. I didn't call anyone. Because now I'm hiding going. I am in domestic violence. And I hide it in the next morning, come and I go, what just happened? It's a nightmare. Just like before he drinks, he gets drunk. And it's not gonna go away. But this time, I had the marks and the bruises. I had the marks and the bruises. No, my face wasn't following up. I didn't have to be hospitalized at the morgue. And I had the fear. And I had to save myself. But again, as a victim, I'm still protecting. I knew where you were. I didn't call the police to have him arrested. I waited two days, two days, I waited to report the situation to report the violence and waited. And I and I still wanted to report it the way it to fall in line so I don't look so bad. I didn't want to run in the station with no clothes on and no shoes on. I knew I didn't want my hair to be standing on top of my head. I look like those people that I talked about all the time that I helped all the time that I saw on TV. How did I get here? And so that was my turning point. And I knew I couldn't turn back. I could not turn the back for all the people that I that relied on me that I've saved over the years that I've talked to and empowered. I say you have to leave and never I don't care what he gives you I don't care how many times you go to therapy I don't care how many times you get prayed or pray for you can't and I try and make a teepee under the temporary protective order I changed my locks and the hardest part was to walk away from family that I love dearly that I an adult hardest part was to now have to look at my friends that thought we would this great couple to not have to have him in the parking lot for two hours explaining why we're not together. Be okay with I can't be an island. This is my announcer I need to get a shirt. The shirt says I had to allow cheap T but I will not allow B and now I'm allowing him to cheat and beat.

Unknown Speaker 24:08
So I had to allow cheating but I'm not allowing beating. That's the okay because we we had to catch it. Um, let me bring back the house back in. What do you say because I see your I see it in your face. You know? I'm just gonna say what? Because that's all I can say it was What? What?

Unknown Speaker 24:29
As as she was talking. It reflects on her mental state. And that's why communication is so vital. It just brought up how she she felt so less than her self esteem shot. And I think about my mother because I had the most beautiful black mother. She could see my mother was talented she was funny. But all of that went aside. It never developed to who she could be. Because her self esteem was so low because of the relationship. This lady stays 15 years hiding from the truth to the family, friends and co workers carrying that weight.

Unknown Speaker 25:24
I'm one of those friends, I have to actually say. Yes, I'm sitting here. And I've been speechless several times in show this morning, because I'm one of those friends. I love her. I love you, Shawn. And I had. So I understand that he wrote me I now really understand. Yes, so he wrote a watch. She's the hero. But she's the she wrote, and I understand what she was saying, as she was painting the picture of the persona. Yes, that is affixed to this person that was in her life. And

Unknown Speaker 26:07
can I inject you? Yeah, there was. There's a story, there was this little girl who was being abused, at home, sexually. And at church, she was so malleable. And everybody would say she's such a pretty girl. She's so memorable. As she grew up, she said, No one saw or deserved in church. At all this prettiness had a secret. And in church, her to say we're church, I kept beard, he got prayed for blah, blah, blah. But here she is. Friends, was it, deserting, looking a little deeper? What is going on here that that we saw were so sometimes

Unknown Speaker 27:02
our own lives looking around us, and I sat with girlfriends on the couch at Christmas about a year or two ago. And we cried, and we hugged and we loved because there's a time when with these busy lives, and these great careers that we have, and all of this this going on. And this luxury, and this materialism and, you know, is all of that spiritual? On top of all of that we sometimes fail to just look around us and tap in, take a look at your girlfriend, and see what's really in her eyes, and see if the smile is hiding pain. And see if you should say, how are you today, but not only how are you really want to listen, I went through something really, really hard. Couple years ago, I'm still going through it. But a friend taught me what it really means to be a friend. And when I say hold my hand, when I say let me cry. When I say no matter how much I needed to talk about it, that talking is so crucial. It was just so important. We are so you know we're out of time.

Unknown Speaker 28:12
Yeah. And I want to say

Unknown Speaker 28:14
we need to people know how they can find.

Unknown Speaker 28:19
Ch nr you can go to C HR Inc. I nc.net and sign up for our newsletter. So you know when we're doing our monthly workshops, so that you can be part of a conversation, because it is in that in that arena where we can hug you. Okay, we can let you cry.

Unknown Speaker 28:35
Is there a phone number? Anything that is online, the best

Unknown Speaker 28:38
online is the best and then we can take it from there. I can't think of a number of top I think it's 7022121.

Unknown Speaker 28:45
UK. Okay, I hope that's right. Or Shawn, anything you want to leave us with? We're out of time, we may have to come back and unpack some more of this. Anything you want to say I

Unknown Speaker 28:53
really want everybody to know reporting is difficult because your abuser will attempt to make you feel guilty. They feel sorry, make you fearful. And they will include family and friends to talk you out of reporting. Don't look back, look forward and know the shame, pain and fear, too shall pass.

Unknown Speaker 29:09
Have a good week and I hope that we have left you with something that you can use or something that someone you know may need and you can help them. Thank you again, and have a great week. Thank you stay blessed. Thank you I want to thank you for tuning into the scoop with me telling you Flanagan and I want to invite you to get social with me. I'm on Facebook and Twitter. My name is my handle ta n YAFLA na GA N You can also find me on Instagram at Tanya almond eyes Flanagan and if you have a thought and opinion or a suggestion, don't hesitate to shoot me an email to tanya.flanagan@unlv.edu Thanks again for joining in. Stay safe and have a great week.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai