The Scoop with Tanya Flanagan

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You're listening to locally produced programming created in KU NV studios on public radio K, u and v 91.5.

Unknown Speaker 0:15
Good morning. Thank you for joining me for the scoop with Tanya Flynn and again, I'm so happy you decided to wake up and start your day with me. Here on the scoop where we talk about life, joy, funny moments, trending topics and so much more. We promise to keep you in the know and find out what you know. So, let's get started.

Unknown Speaker 0:42
Good morning and thank you for joining me here on the scoop. I'm telling you Flannigan, I'm delighted that you've gotten up this morning and decided to share some time with me. So excited that you're here today we have a wonderful show. We're talking about rejection, not from the point of pain and despair. But from the point of triumph and overcoming. I have two wonderful guests, who've also gotten up this morning bright and early on this beautiful Sunday to join me for the conversation. I'd like to welcome first pastor Donna McCoy, who is the senior pastor of abundant heart Community Church. Thank you for joining me when you saw Ron is a pleasure to be here. He's also a member of Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity Incorporated. So we share that commonality as I'm a member of Alpha Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated, so delighted to have the first family here in the studio this morning. How are you doing? Are you feeling

Unknown Speaker 1:31
wonderful? No complaints just ready to go. It's a beautiful Sunday morning and blessed to be above mile.

Unknown Speaker 1:37
Absolutely. Absolutely. My second guest joining us this morning for this delightful conversation that's going to be powerful as Dr. Sheldon Jacobs. Dr. Sheldon Jacobs is the duck is a doctor of psychology in marriage family therapy, a mental health consultant. He is the president operator of Sheldon a Jacob's counseling services and is an adjunct faculty here at the University of Nevada Las Vegas School of Medicine. Dr. Jacobs. Good morning, and thank you for joining us.

Unknown Speaker 2:09
Thank you for having me. Good morning. And one thing I want to add is just congratulations on having this space.

Unknown Speaker 2:17
Oh, thank you so much. I'm super excited, I was talking with someone about the idea to have a radio talk show to have a voice in the community and to be able to look back over life's experiences which become our testimonies. And I just feel that there are things that we were talking about this a bit. There are things that happened to us that we should talk about that we should share more, and we don't. And I think those conversations make us healthier, and happier. And they allow us to encourage one another. So as a person grows in sharing, the other person with hearing also grows and learning and hearing. So I think that this is going to be I hope that this is a wonderful platform for me and for the listening audience and that the community feels empowered and that we all grow in this walk together. So as I mentioned this morning, the subject is rejection. And it resonated with me after I went through a very difficult space in my life with regard to career space and personal life choices and decisions. And also through talking to friends who've gone through different things. And I had never thought about it. But there was a sermon that I was listening to by a pastor Howard, John Wesley, who was talking about our pride holding us hostage. The rejection and the pride that we have the desire to understand why we've been rejected, whether it's in a relationship, someone didn't want you a job, you didn't get an award, you weren't selected for the idea that I have all these wonderful criteria. I've done the work. I am this great person, but I didn't get it. Why wasn't I chose it. And he began to talk about how pride holds us hostage. And I thought, wow, I never thought about it. It's like when your girlfriend calls you. And she's just so hurt. And she wants to know why he did that. And the one thing you said her, well, you're never going to know why he did only He knows why he did it. And if he's not talking to you to explain it, let go of the why, but it's so hard. And it was like whoa. And I began to think this probably affects people in their mental health space too. So I wanted to talk about it and give a balance to it. The faith side of things and then also the mental health side. So with that, that that was the inspiration for having the show. So pastor having brought that up pastor McCoy, Don, from the perspective of pride, rejection and pride holding us hostage, when you know what your initial thoughts on this, I think

Unknown Speaker 5:01
that's a wonderful topic. And I think pride does typically hold us hostage and a lot of time is, sometimes we think more of ourselves and we should. Humility is a beautiful thing to be humble and to be meek. And I think sometimes, we tend to define ourselves by our accomplishments. And we forget that they're just that they're accomplishment. They don't define who we are, they are a reflection of things we've done and who we are that comment on the type of person we are. But I think sometimes we lean too much into that. And think this is what defines me as a person. The things I achieve and not accomplishing, the more we achieved, the more accolades we get, the more people like me, the more people will love me. And that, to me, that's somewhat of a deflection, you don't have to deal with who you really are. And I think we have to be comfortable with who we are and know who we are. So then when we have failures, they don't destroy us. We have to have some what a lot of people that are entrepreneurs, they have no fear of risk, they have no fear of failure. It is just me learning how to figure this thing out and do something, this isn't work, something else will work. But I think we when it comes to pry, sometimes we think more of ourselves, and we should, and sometimes we have the wrong perspective of who we really are. And sometimes we need to be humble.

Unknown Speaker 6:25
So what if and that Jacob's jump into in a moment, but And what if the, the the angle or the devil's advocate perspective is you're in that space, because maybe you don't think enough of yourself.

Unknown Speaker 6:38
So now we talked about self esteem issues. So

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what I and I tied together, they are

Unknown Speaker 6:43
I mean, they aren't they are tied to absolutely together. And a lot of that goes back to one of the first thing I said, you have to know who you are, know, your self worth, your self worth should not be defined by the things you do, or the things you think others should allow you to do. You have to be comfortable in your own skin, know who you are, and know that you have value and know what you bring to the table. Just because the old saying comes to mind. One man's one man's trash is another man's treasure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And I think the problem we have sometimes is that we want everybody to accept us. That's not the case in life, everybody's not gonna love us, everybody's not gonna like us. And that has to be okay. And you have to be okay in the space that you're in that this is who I am. And if you're not being mean to people, if you're a good person, and you're living your life, everybody's not going to approve of that, everybody's not going to make room that you want them to make for you in the spaces that you want to be. But that should not be a reflection of it, you're not good enough. And sometimes we want to internalize that if someone doesn't see the value in myself, then it means I'm not good. There's something that I'm missing. Or if they choose someone else over me, then I'm not good enough. And I've had my own struggles with that, through through life, and dealing with failure and learning what it means and how to overcome that. And sometimes we have we are too worried about pleasing others sometimes. And that was my plot in life. That when I was at the University of Alabama, going through running track for them, not doing all the things that I should have done got a little off track. But a lot of it was is that I was trying to live up to everyone's own expectations. I had never taken the time to decide on who I wanted to be what I wanted out of life, I was too busy trying to make everybody else happy. So much to the point that when my grades started to fall, my father came to visit me he just showed up and called me and told me he was in town drove me to two, two and a half, three hour drive to Tuscaloosa, Alabama, T Town to come talk to his son. And he just asked me what was wrong as we talked and a result of that was that for the summer, when I came home, he made an appointment with me with a psychologist to sit and talk and have some therapy sessions with them, for me to start to work on who I was and to learn to love who I was, and that it doesn't matter what everybody else thinks about me. It matters how I see myself. And I have to build myself and I have to love myself. And I cannot wait for someone else to tell me that I'm good enough. I have to know that I'm good enough. And if I don't have a path forward, walking forward to a different path or I can get smarter, I can get better. And all of those things. And sometimes we that's the reality of the situation. And sometimes it takes someone else to point us in that right direction. And I think as you have Dr. Jake rose online, I think that is a wonderful resource for people to have is to be able to go and talk to someone that is that is a doctor and in mental health in whatever field It might be because it helped me tremendously. I've seen seen one twice in my life to deal with separate issues. And one other issue was the rejection of relationship and learning how to deal with that rejection and move forward. But we tend to internalize so many things about who we are based on who's in my life. I had, and I'm a firm believer of birds of a feather flock together, I can tell you some things about you just by the people you surround yourself with. But sometimes we put too much stock on who people are and what they're doing in life to give us credibility. And we have to learn to develop that ourselves for who we are,

Unknown Speaker 10:38
I think was powerful. I want to bring Dr. Jacobs into the conversation at this point, because what you said really was powerful, and I didn't expect you to say it, that your dad came and he when you came home, he made an appointment for you to speak with a therapist. And as we live in the time, we're in with all the things that the pressures, all kinds of pressures, just work pressures, family pressures, but the now becoming more commonality, if you will, to be okay to say I need some help. Dr. Jacobs, join us in talking about this because that's, that's huge, especially a lot of times among African American families and an African American community that we're having a conversation about mental health and mental instability is very taboo. And I didn't necessarily agree with the pastor's choice of words that it be it being pride, but it doesn't matter what it's called. The reality is that that feeling does hold you in a place. And from that point, you have a bitterness, and you have an inability to move forward. Because every time you take two steps forward, something pulls you back because you haven't released the thing that's hurting you. So Dr. Dicus, what are some of the things that you see maybe in spaces when you're dealing with cases that might be based on relationship problems are huge, probably one of the most common place spaces where people feel rejected, and they struggle to overcome and to get better, especially when they think, oh, but that was the soulmate love of my life, and it didn't work out or why? You know, so what do you say to people? Or how do you? How do you address and help your clients?

Unknown Speaker 12:24
Oh, absolutely. I appreciate the question. First off, I mean, I think it starts from a fan. I mean, I'm someone who has experienced my own fair share of rejection, personally and professionally. And I think for me over time, you know, learning how to work through that, I think was, has been key. But it's but it's hard, you know, it's something that's not easy, especially when you experiencing rejection at a young age, or be with a relationship or with a job or not getting the promotion, right. I mean, these are things that, that that that hurt, and so obviously, was key and how we how we deal with that, or the aftermath of that. And so I tell all my clients, who are dealing with issues related to rejection, to first give yourself permission to, you know, to feel what you're feeling experience, which you're experiencing, I think that's very important, too. Because what happens a lot of times is when we are experiencing some disappointment or rejection, trauma, whatever the case may be, a lot of times, you know, we don't we don't we don't tend to sit with it and to learn how to, you know, first off what's going on with me once in a while, I'm not feeling this way. What, why am I thinking these thoughts? Or why am I feeling these these types of feelings, we tend to go from point A to B, very quickly, because we want to, you know, that's our way of handling the pain and the hurt, I think, first giving yourself permission to feel what you're filming, specifically a real real pain to experience various levels various degrees of disappointment and rejection. The second part of that is an impasse or you know, alluded to this earlier regarding therapy, I think every person should have a therapist, every person has to have you know, it, there was a hand just in case there is a setback or a crisis or just for maintenance is kind of how we deal with a car, you know, we get our car service every few months, so that that car can run at optimal level with our mental health in the same way, you know, we have to from time to time, we need that maintenance. Because without it, you know, we're not going to function. The way that we need to our mental health is not going to be at a level that it needs to be. So I think it's very important that you interview everybody has has a therapist, I even have a therapist that I see from time to time. So that's first and foremost and for Men, especially men, this is an area that I've been really trying to spread more awareness into in terms of just importance of men. Being connected to a therapist, I think our women are doing a better job with that. But there's still so much stigma when it comes to therapy when it comes to mental health. But like, but like for us men, you know, we, we, a lot of times, we will go to school, go see, see a barber with no problem, right, we'll go to the barbershop, we'll make sure we're looking, we're looking good on the outside the external focus, but we're not, but we're not investing internally. So I think is very important that you know, that we do that. But for the most part, you know, a lot of the clients that I work with, I've found this out work with, you know, one of the key things I probably say, kind of the one issue that I probably see that comes up the most is is rejection. And if we think about it until just coming on, coming on this morning show, and that's probably the one commonality that I think a lot of us experience from very various levels. And so really trying to work through that is key and understanding that, you know, this is a growth moment, like this is opportunity for me to grow from this setback or this situation, I think when you when you are able to, to look at it that way, look at it in a positive way, or spin it in a positive way, or reframe it so that it's not a lot of negative connotations attached to it. I think that that's a key for when it comes to healing. And truly looking forward.

Unknown Speaker 16:36
I 100% agree with you and echo that because one of the pieces that I looked at it is to brush off the bitterness and learn to take the loss were like two huge principles. And passionate, you talked about this, you know, many times, if we hold on to the thing that hurts, and I think sometimes people you don't maybe mean to, but something that hurts you, you replay the pain. And the more you replay the pain, the more you are stuck in this space, and you don't go forward, the more you find yourself questioning your value your worth, why someone didn't love you. And you're right, it's usually the rejection of a relationship, I find that takes people to the lowest point, you know, you don't get a job, it bothers you. But you move forward and you get over it because maybe you have a job or your instinct is just to survive. So you seek out something else. But when the heart is involved, you feel like that absolutely has to be in place. This is supposed to work, it's supposed to make sense. And then when it doesn't, it can be when there's really a strong attachment to the person that you fell in love with or whatever the regard, you know, level of regardless. It's very painful, and not getting over it is being bitter. And then what was said was, you can tell how someone is better if something happened to them and a breakup occurred. And two years later, when you see them and you bring up the car, you're talking to them, they bring up this thing that they went through. So like they're holding on to this bitterness, and they haven't been able to let go of it. And it was from a faith based perspective. If you believe that. For those who believe God is the head of their life, and he's in control of all things. Where's the consideration that maybe that relationship didn't work out because it wasn't supposed to work out?

Unknown Speaker 18:38
Sometimes, well, sometimes that's true, and not that we have. I believe in personal accountability. I believe in God wholeheartedly. And I believe that God will God said, If you delighting me, I'll give you the desires of your heart. He says trust me commit your waste to me. But God doesn't take away our choice and our ability to think God will. So I tell folks, when I tell him I say relationship is like a traffic light. As long as the light is green, we're moving forward. And this was anything in life, anything that is we're dealing with, there's a traffic light. And as long as there's green, we're flying, boom. But what happens then when we're dealing with people, relationships, even on the job, opportunities, things that we know that may not be good, but as long as that light is green, we ignore the moment it goes caution slow down that I need to take notice of what's going on with me. I need to take notice of what's going on around me at the job, the situation the circumstances, it'll go yellow, but we tend to because we're sometimes blinded by our end goal, blinded by too much what we want or what we're feeling. We have to start to acknowledge our feelings in every situation. We have to start to own them. We have to hold ourselves accountable and bring in some logic and think through some things in to say, okay, the light went yellow for some reason here. Is this a deal breaker? Is this something that can be repairable, let's address the issue. And a lot of times what we fail to do is address the issues even in our own life for ourselves and things we're going through. And we don't deal with it. Until there's a crisis. That means the light rail, the light has gone red. And then his question is, how did I get here? Now the Bible says all thing works for the good of those who love the Lord and call according to the purpose. But we also have to acknowledge there's some choices and decisions we make that we put our own selves in situations, when we have the ability to make different choices. But it comes back to sometimes we just want what we want, regardless of the yellow lights, of all the signs that says we don't we shouldn't be here, we shouldn't do these things. But because it feels good. Because I like this, we ignore all the things that say,

Unknown Speaker 20:55
this isn't a good place for me. Maybe I should leave this where it is. Or maybe I should be looking for a different job. Or maybe my time has come or maybe it's time to grow up, or do you sometimes any the one that you can jump in on this, sometimes people in a, say, a workspace or a professional development, space, fear. It's fear that makes people not pause or stop to realize this isn't working. So you're on the job and things aren't going well. And you see signs that things aren't going well. But you continue forward, you apply for a job, you don't get the job. But there may have been some signs along the way that it was time to get off this path and try a new path. Time to learn something. And the only reason why you didn't veer was complacency or fear. That fear of failure is really what that part may come into being afraid to challenge yourself. And I guess one of the things I also want to touch on and Dr. Jake is maybe you came before we get after the call off the through the conversation this morning is talking about methods of coping, I don't know for some people, it may be meditation, for others, it may be journaling. But some of the things you give people, I want to leave people with some tangible things that they can use to maybe help themselves in addition to encouraging them to maybe find a therapist to talk to. But I think sometimes people in certain spaces different different emotions determine our action. So there's fear there's. And we talked about self esteem a little bit earlier in relationship space, you're just you're right up a person, you're convinced that's the person for you. And then sometimes it has nothing to do with the person it has to do with the other individual. It's their journey, like it's a whole there's always moving parts outside of yourself that you have no control. So, Dr. Jake, if a person comes to you, and they are suffering through a rejection situation, a difficult circumstance? How do you counsel someone to be mindful of all the moving parts that they have no control.

Unknown Speaker 23:21
I think first is is really bringing into awareness, really getting them to sort of see understand what is what is going on contest key to a lot of times when people are in it, when they're under stuff, sometimes it's really hard to understand or to see what's going truly going on. So first of all, just kind of slowing things down and use it as a teaching moment. I mean, I think it's important to understand and it's like the old adage, tick, a tick, a man fishing eats for today, teaching me how to fish he eats for a lifetime. So I think there's a teaching element to it as well, which is which is very important. But one of the things that I think is very important for for listeners to understand is coping tools, you know, how they've been able to cope with situations and things that don't go the way we want them to go. So coping skills are critical when it comes to helping us to get out of these these spaces or these ruts that we might be in as a result of rejection or disappointment. And so it's one of the things I always advise my clients is to come up with several coping tools that you find that you'll find to be the effective for you and when I say find to be effective meaning things that you're passionate about. So for instance, if you have an allergy to go into the gym, I probably wouldn't I wouldn't recommend going to the gym as a as a coping mechanism. But I might might recommend like going for a walk or walking maybe 20 to 30 minutes a day and neighborhood or in a place where you You know, it's, you can, you can enjoy what's around you and the scenery and it's quiet. But having at least several coping tools at your hand, I say, you know, coping tools, you know, use your toolbox, begin to toolbox and candles come to light your toolbox whenever you need need need to meet them. Because sometimes that number one coping tool that you always go to may not be available. But the second and third coping tool might be so it could be journaling, it could be dots and those dots on paper for some people that's very, very effective for others, if not, so really finding that those those two or three or four things that are effective for you can also be talking to a friend or someone that you trust, it could be a mission, a mission therapy, it could be reading, it could be meditation, I think meditation is a very useful, according to rumination can look so many different can be so many different things. It could be prayer, it could be, you know, yoga, it could be the breathing, but it's really just staying center as centered as possible, and is being connected to the thoughts and the feelings and the smells and everything that's going on in the present moment.

Unknown Speaker 26:11
Well, I want to say thank you. We aren't drawing nearer to the end of our time this morning. But I want to thank both of you for coming on, to share in this conversation. And I think that we have had a really healthy digest about the subject of rejection from a perspective of being a winner, and not feeling like you're losing. I have gone through different experiences of rejection in my life, as well. And I've never actually sat with the therapist maybe in some ways I have whether it was pastor or a good friend, you know, you create your therapist, sometimes in life, it doesn't necessarily mean you make it, you make an appointment and you find one with doctor but you find the person that helps you find peace, and I do truly believe feel all of your emotions, and take time to understand how those feelings affect you. And be honest with yourself. We often call it a prayer closet, but it's wherever you can get into that quiet space and be truly honest with yourself so that you can face what you're feeling because if you can say it, you can release it, I think and if you can't say it then it means you're not yet ready. You're not dealing with it. Really it's it's inside and as a cancer survivor negative energy in your body is a very unhealthy thing. So absolutely released that. I want to thank everyone who is up with us this morning for the scoop with Tanya Flanagan. I'm very excited that I have pastor Donnell McCoy, Senior Pastor of abundant heart Community Church right here in Las Vegas. And Dr. Sheldon Jacobs, Family Therapist UNLV adjunct faculty just a number of credential so if you're looking for someone to talk to Dr. Jacobs can they find you their number to call

Unknown Speaker 28:07
you my number on my website as well website at Dr. WD at WWW dot sorry, Dr. Schoen jacobs.com all my contact information is on there.

Unknown Speaker 28:17
Okay. And Pastor McCoy if people want to come by button in our community church and hear a little bit more of the wisdom that God has bestowed upon you to bestow upon us Where is abundant heart Community Church

Unknown Speaker 28:28
is located off of 2535 West Cheyenne Avenue suite 100. service starts at 10. On Sunday morning, we also have a Thursday night service that starts at seven if you go to the website, bonded heart dot abundant dash heart.org You can request a time to meet with me through that website. And then I'm more than happy to reach out talk with you and have a conversation as well.

Unknown Speaker 28:53
Thank you and passionate I've had some some good conversations over the years. I again want to say thank you to both of you for being my guest and thank you to our listening audience for joining us this morning on K u and v 91.5. Jazz and more. We hope you have enjoyed the conversation. I look forward to talking with you again next week. And I hope you will tune in

Transcribed by https://otter.ai