The Scoop with Tanya Flanagan

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Unknown Speaker 0:26
Good morning and thank you for joining me for the scoop with Tanya Flanagan. I'm so happy you decided to wake up and start your day with me. Here on the scoop, where we talk about life, joy, funny moments, trending topics, and so much more. We promise to keep you in the know and find out what you know. So let's get started.

Unknown Speaker 0:53
Good morning and welcome to the scoop with me. Tanya Flanagan. Thank you for joining me this morning. Oh my goodness, what a beautiful day it is, especially after the torrential rains we had last weekend and going into the week. So to close out. sunny and bright and beautiful is a blessing. I am in the studio today with Donald coy. My pastor, my friend, my frat brother, first family, Alpha Phi Alpha Fraternity, Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Incorporated. Hey, Pastor, how are you this morning?

Unknown Speaker 1:28
Good morning. So how are you I am wonderful, got no complaints, excited to be here with you this morning to chat it up. Well,

Unknown Speaker 1:36
thank you for getting up and getting a cup of coffee and getting cozy and settling in to talk with me. I was looking at some things and thinking about life and realizing that, as I mentioned, the title pastor, he is the pastor of abundant heart Community Church, but also just a father, a friend, a brother, a son, a colleague and a co worker. But in that space of being a leader. In a spiritual space, you also give people perspective, and you study things from a place of great morality that we should often all consider. Whether we do or not, is that each person's discretion. But today, I wanted to talk a little bit about relationships, because we're in a different phase of life, a very digital age. And so we were talking about dating and social media and dating in the digital age. And I thought it could be interesting to explore how we manage and navigate relationships, and how social media shapes the way we approach relationships as a whole, whether it's dating, or just relationships. And I thought a cool person to engage in this conversation with would be you. So thank you for being the other half of this perspective.

Unknown Speaker 2:56
Well, you're welcome.

Unknown Speaker 3:00
So with that, I was looking at some stuff. And it talks about how social media really damages relationships, and how I mean, there's the pros, and there's cons, there's the place to express yourself on these platforms via Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, all of this. And then there's the you spend so much screen time on it, you lose your natural social skills, your ability to your social intelligence, as they call it. Are you a big I guess we should start Are you a big social media person yourself.

Unknown Speaker 3:32
So I'm not gonna say I'm a really big social media person, but I have, I have Facebook, I have an Instagram, I have a few accounts and stuff. And, you know, it's technology is a wonderful thing. But it's all about how you use it, it can be beneficial to you, or it can be detrimental to you just depends on how you employ it in your life. So I enjoy getting on seeing my friends, oh, catch up with some old friends, see what they're doing what they've been up to. But you can also witness the other side of it, where people in a win anxiety, depression and being bullied and other things. So I'm not against it at all. I love technology, I just think people need to be wise about how they use it.

Unknown Speaker 4:09
I agree with you on that. It's a communication tools tool. I'm a communication person. So I totally agree with you. There's a space where it connects us to one another. You keep up with pictures and events and activities. I want to ask you something from a pastoral standpoint. So sometimes couples are getting married, they go through marriage counseling. Is there ever a point in that space where people are have dated or are dating or considering being married? Do they ever have to at this point in our life, explore how they value social media as a communication tool versus a privacy aspect in a relationship because that's one of the things that I looked at the end I saw that people have to talk about how they use it and what they feel is respectful versus disrespectful. Some people get in relationships and everything going on in their relationship. Tip is on social media and every hiccup problem or bump in it is on social media. There's a post, it's almost like a community poll. Hey, this happened to me. So do you do marriage counseling? Is this an area that comes into play maybe with regard to boundaries. So

Unknown Speaker 5:20
it can come into boundaries. But I teach it a different way. I don't necessarily say social media. I teach boundaries, I teach things to do, for example, is I'm counseling a couple and I wanted, I think the most important thing is that I tell them that they have to protect each other, and that they have to protect the relationship. And what do I mean by that. So I also tell him, that he can't be married to you and all of your friends, because he can only please you. But if he's trying to please you, and what all your friends are saying, then he you'll never be happy. And the same applies for the woman, she can't please him and all of his and all of his buddies. So I tell people, keep everybody out of your business. If you need counseling, seek it from somebody that is going to be neutral, and is not going to be all up in your business, posting it everywhere. So that's the advice I give them. And that should extend to social media, and all these every platform. But the problem you have is this new generation that is just a part of how they live, and how they do business and what it backfires on, they don't know how to handle it. So

Unknown Speaker 6:27
what advice do you give you say, young people, so let's go a little less. That's the walk backwards from the two mature adults who are thinking about getting married other people in relationship and trying to make it work? Is there advice that you give to parents for young people, I mean, I know we talked about managing screen time and then having parental controls. But there's also the exposures. And I don't want to get too far off the subject, because I want to make sure we're talking about sort of relationships in social media dating in social media, but young people, it's how they communicate, I think that's part of the lack of social intelligence that I was talking about, where, because most of your conversation is a text, or some type of exchange on a platform, you are not really developing the interpersonal skills where you're talking to someone and you're reading body language, and you're understanding how to read when that person is receptive to your communication, because that's also a really vital point in communicating, knowing when a person will receive what you need to talk

Unknown Speaker 7:29
about. Absolutely. There's no immediate feedback through text messages and see in social media, with all five senses, what we, we tend, and one of the problem with social media, it desensitizes us, to our environment and planes going around. And that's one of my struggles with was my teenage son, and some of the text messaging and social media back and forth. He's 15 years old. And I've had to sit him down and have conversations with him about how he interacts with people, and had to bring some things to reality him because I tell him, I said, Would you talk to your sister that way? Would you also want to talk to your sister that way? He says, No, I'd be ready to fight. So I said into why are you talking to these individuals in the same manner, or to a young lady in the same manner, and it just becomes an unsafe space, because there's no immediate consequences. A text message you can respond back is, is just words most of the time to pit. But I tell people to Sticks and stones may break my balls, and we all used to say words would never hurt us. But words are sort of most dangerous, and hurtful and harmful things to an individual, especially if they take it personal. And they start to believe that things that are being said about him, we can cause severe damage that will take someone years to get over. But I understand that it is the way that they communicate. But they need to understand that there are consequences. And a lot of them do. They're not immediate consequences. They think is no big deal.

Unknown Speaker 9:06
I agree with you on that I had a situation occur in my life where someone and I'm my background as a journalist, so I don't always talk a lot about what I do. But my career started in journalism. I was a print news reporter for about 10 years, working in various parts of the the west coast and the Southwest. And so for me, words are like my tool. That's what's in my toolkit, if you will, right. And so the time it takes to think of a reasonable answer and crafted and texted especially if you're having a real conversation or bits of real conversation via text. Someone text me something that really was damaging and disturbing and the fact that they use that platform in a relationship, friendship, whatever it is when you use that platform To communicate with someone rather than having a real conversation in person. I don't I agree with you, I don't think people sometimes realize the potential damage and the weight of the words. Because now the person can read it, review it, revisit it, kind of like reopen the wound over and over. Because they have this, they have it in front of them. It's in a text message. It's, it's permanent, it's forever until you delete it.

Unknown Speaker 10:29
And sometimes you people send things they can, they said one thing. But the problem with text messages and social media, there's never any context to it. Because your context comes from some of the things that you mentioned, body language, tone, the expression on your face, all of the physical things that we read to understand why a person says what they said was this malice behind it, what they joking, you don't get the context, you just get the message, and then the context is left up to the person who's receiving it. And also, it can come back home, if often Grace come across wrong,

Unknown Speaker 11:06
you can. So let's say, you know, we started out dating, we're on social media is bliss, it is a blessing at the beginning, because I think it's so cute that he is communicating with me so much or making cool post or whatever. Until the moment that it creates a disconnect, right? So I'm not saying I want to point out that I guess I'm saying it doesn't have to be all bad. I'm sure there's a period where this digital age and this convenience of being able to reach your person, you know, before it might be stopping in your day to try to make a call and say, Hey, I was just thinking about you. Now you can stop for 30 seconds and send them a text or a DM or whatever it might be. So I'm not saying it doesn't have its advantages. And if people are long distance dating, it can keep them feeling connected, because they can look at that person's page and see what's going on in their life on a day to day basis and feel more connected to them. So I think definitely in our relationships, in some ways can make us feel more connected to other people. No

Unknown Speaker 12:14
argument there at all, I think one of the most important tools we have in any relationship is communication, communication is key. And all the things you said are absolutely true. It communication makes us stay connected, it keeps us engaged, it keeps us invested in people. But you also have got to have a foundation to build on to to facilitate all of that, because you can be the best communicator in the world. But if y'all get together and y'all can't get on the same page, it's it's impersonal. through text messages and all these things, it only becomes personal and intimate. If you know that person, if you spent some time with that person and been in that person's presence really to know who they are. Because I can be anybody through a text message. But how do I behave when I'm in your presence? Is that catfish?

Unknown Speaker 13:12
Is that more like catfish? I mean, that's a whole nother like fear out there. And they've had movies and stuff where people present you know who they are in a profile or whatever, swipe left, swipe right, whatever. And then you as you get to know them. This is a company, it's a facade. They're nothing like the profile or what they portray themselves to be in their social media space. And then the pressure to have your posts liked and approved is a whole nother conversation about how social media impacts our daily lives in our psyche. But the dangers of dating on social media is that you can meet an imposter, if you will, the representative it's worse than the traditional representative where the person is just on their best behavior. Now they have a space to completely Hi flaws and present their best self for an indefinite period, I guess. Well,

Unknown Speaker 14:13
and that's true. And there's there are predators out there. But I think one of the key things I think we need to take away from this conversation that is greater than even dating, and social media. Our society needs to change and our culture needs to change. Because a lot of times people are on social media, because they want to be accepted. They want to belong, they want someone to love them for who they are. And because social media tends to be faceless. You can post a picture whatever you want out there. What is really develop is a bond based on emotions and feeling based on what people are saying, and people accepting you and that's what draws us in and a lot of times, that's what predators used to take advantage of people. Yes, I'll connect to you. I'll listen to you out Aren't you I tell you, I love you. And that sometimes can lure our kids away because they feel like they're safe. And this person steps them and understands them, only to find out, this person does, and they just wanted to take advantage of you. I think our society needs to change and people need to learn to be kind and accepting of people and tolerant of people. And that, understand that every human being has value. And if we would do that, and stop labeling people, ugly and pretty and, and oh, you're not this, if you don't dress this way, allow people to be comfortable with who they are, and accept them for who they are. That will go a long way in changing a lot of things. But that's accent a lot of people.

Unknown Speaker 15:42
But I think that's a really important I mean, that's a super important point. And it's a huge, that's a big conversation in and of itself, talking about respect and acceptance, inclusion and spending time because the the digital world allows doesn't, it's not time spent with people, it's not investing in another human being the same as really spending time together and learning things about that person allowing people to learn about you. And just the skill set this needed to have a decent conversation. Yeah, we used to talk about the conversation that goes on around the watercooler. And I know when my when my girls were coming up, I would say to them, read a lot and be mindful of your, you know, language skills. And it's easier for you to practice what we you know, good English, or the King's English or proper English, if you will, than it is to as African American people, we sometimes go back and forth, there's the relaxed dialect you have going on with your friends and family. And then there's the professional space that you may occupy in your voice or your your colloquial sayings may change a bit. And I said to them, it's easier for you to be prepared, stay prepared and do one versus trying to blend in with the other. But I think that the digital space has even further reduced the need to be prepared because you don't ever have to be in someone's face. I mean, we are I'm not saying we're never around me to each other. Of course we are. But social media platforms allow you to really take a break from human interaction. It does. And I think COVID Exactly as estimated in a bit.

Unknown Speaker 17:31
Absolutely I agree with I think the most precious thing that we have is human contact and human touch. But social media has changed that to where I grew up in a time where you can sit on your porch and talk to your neighbors or go across, we can talk to your neighbors. Today it is in which we are way off topic with so

Unknown Speaker 17:56
tied to communicating boundaries is this is anytime you unwrap part of something you realize there's so much more under the layer. So when you get into the space of communicating across digital wavelengths, and relationships, and then we didn't limit relationships to dating and marriage, but to also the fact that friends and family fall into this category, it's just about people engaging in interacting with people, and how to do that in a thoughtful way. And what is what is social media doing to our society to our children? Are we shells of ourselves? are we hiding behind screensavers and profile pictures and cover pages and

Unknown Speaker 18:38
the one thing that we all have to remember, no matter who you are, no matter how you whether it's dating, or just for entertainment purposes, wherever you're on social media, we have to remember that it's a tool, and that it is not reality. And a lot of times what people, atheists, everyone, everyone has a voice. And that's the unique thing about social media and that they just went away and people love it. I can be heard, I can say what's been on my mind, whether it whether it's respectful, disrespectful, or if it's something that probably should keep me stuff, I can post it. And there will be people that will love me support me there's going to be people that I will have my haters to. And I think people get naturally get off on that. But again, it comes down to there are no immediate consequences of it. Now we have seen over the years where some things people have done, that has resulted them lose their jobs and so so people some people will only go so far with some things but then you have others that will just do whatever they want to do. But the problem also comes and then here's the other issue that I really have. Our society has really become immoral. We don't we don't have any more standards anymore. When we when we look and see the things that we now say is acceptable in society. Now, we have set aside Common courtesy and decency, for my our individual rights to say, the Constitution protects me and allows me to do whatever I want to do and say what I want to do. But what happened to common courtesy and decency and respect and people, we have set that aside to say that what I want is more important than what's for the greater good of people.

Unknown Speaker 20:23
I'm sure and I'm in to some degree, I can agree with you, I'm gonna ask I'll play a little bit of devil's advocate. So I can just, you know, keep it fresh, keep it edgy, but I agree there. It took me a lot of years, I think that was 45, when I really got the slap in the face lesson where you just really realize people do what they want to do, whether their actions toward you are intended to hurt you or not intended to hurt you. It's really about what's good for them. Now, I don't know if I'll venture so far to say. I do believe in certain cases, morality is in jeopardy in many spaces, I won't get super specific about that. I also, because I know that there's the difference of opinion. And people have varying perspectives. And so what I believe doesn't necessarily have to be what you align with. And you have the right to, to feel a certain way about what you how you feel about whatever the subject may be. But I do agree with you on human kindness and just the morality factor of doing right treating others as you would like to be treated. But then to what degree to some degree? How does that define each individual person? And it's not for me to say it is for me to have my opinion about it. 100%

Unknown Speaker 21:46
it is everyone has an angry we didn't I don't disagree with that. I just think that if we want a better society, if we want better culture and better things there, there has to be a baseline of respect and common decency that everybody has to have for everyone. If it's, if it's always going to be about me and what I want, then, you know, we talk about good Samaritans and we seem to be shocked. It is a sad statement to say that in the society today, it is we are shocked by when someone does something for someone else out of the kindness of their heart. That's a sad commentary on where we are in this world today.

Unknown Speaker 22:30
I have to agree with you on that, because I do see those stories. And those stories are increasingly becoming the anomaly as opposed to the norm. Their capture sometimes on talk shows, morning shows, and it'll show you what some of a piece of what someone did. And I think there are some on one of the town's I want to say CBS, but one of them has a reporter who goes around and he finds these unique stories of kindness or unexpected goodwill, that one human being as displayed upon another. And it's like you're sitting there watching it like, Oh, that was so nice. Like, it's this rare thing that happens when it really should be the norm. Much more come and I know, in our respective circles, we're probably very kind to each other. But as a whole, everybody's so busy, especially in big cities, and in big cities, people are busy. And they're concerned, because I've lived in small towns, I've lived in big cities and in small towns, where it's like, a different type of connectivity. You know, people more it's a little slower, and everyone gets together in a different way. And in large cities, when I've had to move in knowing no one to a large city, it takes time to find quality relationships. Yes.

Unknown Speaker 23:53
So that goes to bring it back full circle, VAT core values and beliefs, set the foundation for good relationships. And for who were who were, who were drawn to. And so we if we all shared the same core values and beliefs about certain things that we know there's an expectation this is in a small town, everyone knows everyone. There's a set code as a standard of behavior that permeates throughout that culture and out that town. And then doesn't mean you don't have bad character in the bad actors and that relationships don't go wrong. But it says a minimal expectation of what to be what should be expected relationship. I do that for my daughter by spending time with her dating. I bake my daughter meaning I have daddy daughter dates with her so that she understands how a man should treat her. How he should respect her the things he should do for independence he shouldn't do for her. Now she seen me in her mom argument all those things is I don't hide that but because they need a need to understand to sometimes people bump heads, sometimes arguments get a little bit out of hand. But at the end of the day, it doesn't mean the relationship is over, because we're having an argument, you work through it, and they need to see that portion of it. But I think, you know, core values. And then there was a time in this society when we it was an anomaly for relationships to go bad, because people were being bad. And but now we can go back and look over history, things have changed, women rights, men, attitudes have changed, a lot of things have changed, but a lot of core values and set how I view women. And I think we have allowed for men, I'm just speaking for men, in general. And I don't think all men are this way. But I think because we have allowed our society and culture to change the way we view women, and made objects out of them. In some sense, we've lost some respect for them. And we don't honor them the way that we should. And I think the reverse is true, are they because of the way society is and the things we've allowed to go on? We, we view women view men differently. And then because we also hear, Oh, that's a rare, fine, they don't make them like that anymore.

Unknown Speaker 26:12
That is a common thing. And that, in itself is another show. We're gonna put a pin in that because seriously, I was driving into the office yesterday, and I had that conversation with another person, how women are viewed, how they're discussed in mainstream media, in songs in all kinds of things and movies, and how it has really restructured the respect and the regard the sexes have for one another. So that is an entirely additional show, but this one on social media relationships, I'm gonna circle back to what you said about relationships being so important. And I'm going to put a small plug for social media that even though I'm just gonna say balance, my my, my last thought will be nothing wrong with it. It's a tool, it's the age that we are in, we're going to use it, I challenge folks to have a balance, meaning, have some real FaceTime with the ones you love, make sure you're having a conversation, I know that you're doing it, recognize how important it is to spend that quality time. So you have a balance with screen time, which are quality with your actual human interaction. And because social media allows people who might be alone in a new place to meet people who are like minded, because there's groups and there's activities, and there's things that you can find. So we made, we've made things in life so much more accessible. So I'm just gonna say to it, in your dating space, relationship space, have balance, I challenge you to maybe think of an old friend or a good friend that you've had for a long time. And instead of sending them a text message, maybe write them a letter, send them a card or a nice note, and let them get something in the mail and actually open it up, touch it, feel it, read it and see that you took some time or put some thought into it that took longer than 30 seconds or a minute in the text.

Unknown Speaker 28:03
No, balance is important. So

Unknown Speaker 28:07
balance is important. We are at the end of our show. It has been a an interesting morning and enlightening morning, about relationships and boundaries, the healthiness of it. Social intelligence, the restoration of culture, and respect. And I just want to say thank you, Donna McCoy, Pastor Amanda and her Community Church, for hanging out with me. We've been talking about social media. So do you want to share any of your social connections, your Facebook or Instagram?

Unknown Speaker 28:41
Actually, I don't even know him off the top of my head girls, to be honest, the church has the church has a Facebook page, a YouTube page. Community Church? Yeah, abundant dad's heart.org Everything is there all of our events, our media platforms, all of that stuff. Is there part of that page and it'll take you everywhere? You know, I have a balance. You

Unknown Speaker 29:04
have a balance. And I am everywhere. By my name Tanya Flanagan. Thank you fret pastor Donald McCoy for joining me this Sunday morning. Grab yourself another cup of coffee have One wasn't enough. And have a great day and an awesome week everybody. Thanks for tuning in for me. Absolutely. I want to thank you for tuning into the scoop with me Tony Flanagan and I want to invite you to get social with me I'm on Facebook and Twitter. My name is my handle ta n YAFLA na ga n. You can also find me on Instagram at Tanya almond eyes Flanagan and if you have a thought and opinion or a suggestion, don't hesitate to shoot me an email to Tanya dad flanagan@unlv.edu. Thanks again for joining in. Stay safe and have a great week.

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